I am lying on the floor of my office writing this. I used to live for periods of time on the floor of many a room.
- What is my life’s purpose?
- Why do I keep repeating the same life lessons over and over again?
- When will this be easy?
I internally ask myself these questions while also being afraid of the true answers. What if I found out my life’s purpose while on the floor? How would I receive it? Would I believe it? Is this how Einstein came up with his best work? Did Brene Brown mean for me to go this deep into vulnerability only to be a puddle of feels and sads?
I roll around on the ground some. It keeps me feeling connected to something, anything. What we do in these moments, the in-between places, that’s what really shows our true colors. During the process, it’s important to feel all of our feelings. I mean ALL of your feelings! They can be really messy and raw. They might be sweet and bitter. You might even have more than one feeling at the same time that conflicts with other feelings. Oh, to be human is beautiful as it is daunting. We might as well allow ourselves the space to experience the totality of what we’re capable of.
Then it dawns on me. Piercing through the veil of all my demons is not supposed to be easy.
It’s actually rather difficult and cumbersome, to be honest. But in our society, we have learned that instant gratification and good vibes only are ways of life. There are fewer models on how to endure pain. In our efforts to be pain-free we have also forgone our ability to build resilience and community in ways that support us. This of course applies mostly to those who can afford to skip their feelings and mask their pain behind “sunshine all the time” lifestyles. If say you are a marginalized person, you may be burdened with the feeling of holding too much space to the point of adrenal fatigue and emotional drop. Christine Miserandino’s Spoon Theory does an amazing job of explaining the insight on handling chronic illness in tangible ways that give people’s struggles a voice.
when I’ve had enough of my own mental repetition and I’m good and done,
I pull myself out of the darkness.
I begin that process by thanking the shadow. I take a moment to acknowledge all of the gifts that have come to me this time. My favorite quote about shadowy rites of passage is by Dr. Michael Beckwith who says, “Pain pushes until vision pulls you”.
I know that sentiment well. Pain is a bully but it’s only one step in a series of your journey. Then, I call in courage, I call in compassion, and above all, I call in acceptance. I choose to lean into my wellness. I remind myself I am not alone. How could I be alone? There are so many of us on the planet and we are wired for community.
I inch my way or my bookcase. It’s sturdy and smart. We’ve been here before. But each circle around this cycle keeps widening. It might look similar but it’s never the exact same. I gather myself and sit upright. This, everything I am, and the things I am doing, is enough.